Alex Troutner is a freshman at Utah State University, and for the most part, he lives the average life of a college freshman. Apart from a few passing hellos in our shared bedroom and the occasional small-talk, Alex and I haven’t had much conversation – at least not while he’s conscious. After a long day of our divergent academic and social endeavors, we both settle into our adjacent beds. As Alex can easily navigate his way into dream-country, I often have some trouble sleeping immediately. This is when my most revealing conversations with Alex occur, as he is an avid sleep-talker. I have taken the liberty of transcribing one of these conversations for all of you. As it may not seem like there isn’t any sort of coherency to this interview, it provides insight into the deep facets of Alex’s thoughts.
Hey Alex, thanks for taking the time to let me interview you tonight. How are you doing tonight?
Alex: Hey, Mr. Curator. Thanks for having me here at this international conference. I honestly never thought I would be here.
This actually isn’t an international conference. This is our bedroom. You’re here every day, remember?
Alex: [Laughs]. You said it. It is all about mindset. So what do you want the public to know about me?
Ah yes. I understand you’re a Religious Studies major? Does that come from your own beliefs, or are you simply interested in the dynamics of religion?
Alex: Yes. I think we should all fear the coming of the Great One. All the world will know the ultimate truth. The warm will become cold and the cold will become warm. The ocean will become the sky, and the sky in turn will become the ocean. None can escape Her wrath and all shall be encompassed in Her love. Finis est novum principium.
Sorry, are you speaking Latin and foretelling some kind of rapture? Are you telling me these are your religious beliefs?
Alex: No, I’m not really that much of a sports guy. I’m more of a fan of reading and you know, nerdy stuff like that.
Tell me about reading. What is it that you like to read?
Alex: Mostly the Twilight series. I think that the thought-provoking words of Stephanie Meyer within that book represent the paradigm of modern young adult fantasy and coming of age stories. I think people are quick to write it off because they don’t understand the deep meaning of the series.
I see. Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Alex: I told you, I’m not really a sports guy.
Sorry, I must have forgotten. Let’s get back to my original questions. How long have you been sleep talking?
Alex: How long? I want so say it’s about seven feet. I can’t be sure though, I didn’t bring my tape measure with me. Speaking of measures, we need to take stronger measures against the Insane Clown Posse. Our federal government is just letting them occupy American soil.
Can’t say I’m at all surprised by the fact that you haven’t understood anything I’ve said so far. I could ask any question and I think you’d say anything.
Alex: Yeah, I just think everyone’s trying to do the best that they can, you know? Everyone’s been given different things in this life, and all you can do is try. Maybe you want to study turtles for a living, or maybe you want to have a house made of waffles like my brother. Life is what you make it, so don’t let yourself live in fear. Even if giant bats are terrorizing the people of Poland. You can’t let that stop you.
Well, I think that’s as good of a place to end as we’re going to get. Thanks again for letting me interview you. Your answers were… interesting.
Alex: No problem. Thank you Mrs. Clinton. I enjoy your pantsuits.
Alex promptly returned to sleep comfortably, curling up while quietly and evenly snoring. When questioned about our interview, Alex had no recollection of anything I said to him. When I asked him for permission to transcribe the interview for the Aggie Radio website, he was quoted saying, “Please don’t, who would even want to read that?”
