Two Tips for Effectively Crossing Campus

By Ben Smith

Webmaster – Aggie Radio

Some majors get to have all of their classes in one building, and if your fortunate enough for that to be the case you come to know that building like the back of your hand. This building becomes your second home, you are able to map out the good nap spots, you know the best place to grab a snack, and there is that one corner where all your friends know you will be. Instructors from the last few semesters frequent the halls, and you maintain a good report with them for when you have their upper-level classes. Life is good.

The rest of us have to regularly traverse the jackass-ridden hellscape known as campus. If you are like to me, you get ten minutes to make if from the fourth floor of Old Main to the engineering building, and don’t have time to get stuck in the flow. Fortunately, we here at Aggie Radio have some tips for improving your cross-campus commute.

Tip 1: Use What’s Available

Several organizations have golf, carts, trucks, or something similar that crosses campus. If you are careful enough, these vehicles snuck up on can be used to “Marty Mcfly” yourself to your next class. Most of these vehicles are pretty careful to not run down students, and while easy on your feet, won’t move you any faster than hoofing it will. The vehicles to keep an eye out for, however, are the one belonging to the catering and grounds crew. These vehicles scream across campus with no respect for human life. Use the lawnmower to cut across the quad, and hitch a ride on the back of the food cart.

 

2. Draft Behind the Right People.

This summer the new Mario Kart game came out, so naturally I gained nothing this summer except a strong aversion to the sun. Something I did learn, however, is that one of the most useful techniques in Mario Kart is to closely follow someone to draft (aka slip-streaming) to get a boost and get ahead of them. Now the key to an effective drafter is having a good eye for who to follow, if they are too slow you mash into them, if they drive too erratically you can’t get a good a good draft.

With humans, it’s the same way/\. We always end up walking behind someone, but picking who we get stuck behind can make a huge difference. Lets look at who to avoid, namely couples, groups of girls, and friendly people.

Studies show that if you are in love with someone you will match paces, and that that pace is approximately the speed of smell. Newly dating or engaged couples are the worst, however it doesn’t seem to bad once they are married, they probably love each other less.

Groups of girls are equally bad, but its not the speed they lack, its the blocking power they posses. Everyone knows men are directly descended from wolves, and as such naturally form packs when traveling in groups. The confident members of the group form the head of the pack, the cronies of the filling the middle, and the most independent taking up the back. Girls on the other hand are closely related to semi trucks, they line up shoulder to shoulder and take up the whole road. Avoid them.

The friendly can be difficult to navigate around. With the friendly its not their speed or blocking potential that cause problems, it’s their erratic behavior. Without warning these people will swerve to meet a friend and abruptly stop. Causing human crashes and pileups. The best way to avoid thins to steer clear of anyone who has a smile and looks friendly, they are only a detriment.

Now here is what to look for, the crowd-navigating master. These are people who can weave through a crowd like a hot knife through a jar of mayonnaise. The main thing to look at while trying to find a crowd master is who looks like they could best survive if the zombie apocalypse broke out right now. Its the efficient survivalists, with the large, zipper busting backpacks, water bottle carabinered to their side, and a determined look in their eyes. Follow these masters they will get you quickly there.

 

Ben Smith

Aggie Radio Webmaster