Longboarding. In the last few years, longboarding has exploded, not only on campus, but all over the city. The sole intention of the longboard is to fill the long, grueling gap between winters for all of the die-hard snowboarders out there. The good news is anyone can pick up a longboard and go ride. The bad news? Anyone can pick up a longboard and go ride.
In the world of skateboarding, there are five laws that every skater either abides by, or is labeled with the title of “noob”, and, contrary to popular belief, long boarders are not exempt of these laws.
All we desire is to be able to walk from Luke’s Cafe to the TSC without being nearly taken down by the wobbly so-and-so hastily approaching on his longboard. We all know, however, that a large elephant has an identical success rate when it comes to eloquence. What exactly makes him a noob, and how do you spot other noobs? This checklist should help those noob-goggles of yours become sharper, and we can revive the reputation of longboarders around the world.
Is he/she carrying their board down a hill?
Now we all know that big hills can be a bit nerve-racking at times, but if you find a rider walking out any road classified as a low grade, chances are they are a noob. The whole point of that board that they carry in their hands is speed, and speed alone. if they can’t handle the speed, it should be replaced with a Razor scooter.
What is he/she wearing?
I’m going to say right off the bat – shoes matter. If they are long boarding in a pair of flip-flops, or no shoes at all, not only do they look like a noob, but they probably need to go get a few bandaids. That has got to hurt. Also, unless they are just leaving the gym, no running shoes. Sure, they seem fine to ride in, but it doesn’t change their level of noobness. However, stiletto heels are okay. Obviously.
Bigger isn’t always better
In the words of Ryan Ball, a man who speaks fluent Chinese, “longboards are the wrong boards”. Because nobody wants to be comfortably in their chair in their gen ed class, only to be completely violated by Toolbox Ted as he tries to squeeze him and his giant longboard through the isle to that middle seat. Anyone that has been on our campus knows that even the steepest hill on campus is, at most, five degrees off of completely flat, which means their dance floor on wheels is completely unnecessary. It just means they’ll be doing a helluva lot more pushing, which brings me to my next point – efficiency.
Is he/she pushing efficiently?
Most of the campus is flat, and because of this, push efficiency is crucial. Since this is so important, I have devised a formula for efficiency. The equation for efficiency is “p=n”, where “p” is the number of pushes in a given interval of time, and “n” is the level of noobness. A simple, straight-forward, yet very revealing equation. Believe me when I tell you, the equation never lies. Push too much, and you end up looking like you should be on a pogo stick instead. This could mean one of two things – they’re just not pushing hard enough, or their technique is off. This unfortunate, yet extremely common, problem brings me to my final, and most important, point on the list.
MONGO.
First thing is first – what is mongo pushing? According to Urban Dictionary, mongo pushing is defined as “A stupid way to skateboard, using their leading foot (the foot that is in front while riding) to push. While they are pushing, their back foot stays near the rear of the board.” If no other signs on this list appear in the longboarder you are observing, but they are seen pushing mongo, look no further – you found yourself a classic noob. Mongo is taken as a criminal offense in the skateboarding world. Some go as far as saying that tricks don’t count if you pushed mongo at all in the trick sequence. Definitely not something that is taken lightly.
So there you have it, your own checklist in spotting all of the various levels of noob on a longboard. Also, it is considered not only really awesome, but an act of service to the University, that if you see a barefoot longboarder on a board the size of your dining room table, and he/she is pushing mongo, to go push that person off of their board. Okay, don’t really push them off. Maybe a weird stare will do the trick. Please and thank you.
