TInder has been there for people in many capacities; those new to town looking for some friends, people getting out of relationships, people looking to get into relationships, but most frequently, people looking for a good old fashioned sloppy hook-up. One of the problems with this app arises when all of these people are grouped into the same dating pool. There isn’t a “Looking for ________” box to check. You just match with people that you find attractive and interesting (if they even have an about section) and then you begin a conversation, having no idea whether they just got dumped last night and they’re looking for emotional support, or if they’re in a good place looking for a solid relationship.
I started compiling a list of things that regularly happened to the people in my life regarding Tinder. Here are the 9 most regularly occurring occurrences on Tinder:
1. Seeing your ex
Ex’s are already terrifying enough as it is. But now, while you’re swiping right and left looking for your next great relationship, or just someone to cuddle up to Star Wars with, BOOM — there they are. Looking better than ever, obviously. You instantly start thinking about all the amazing times you had together and begin stalking their Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
2. Grammar Difficulties
Now by grammar difficulties, I’m not referring to the other person incorrectly using to, too, and two — no, I’m referring to the Period Exclamation Crisis. As we all know by now, without sending an essay and over-explaining yourself, it is really difficult to convey tone over messaging. The most common predicament in modern times is when the period sounds too passive aggressive, while the exclamation point makes you seem far too excited.
3. Roommate War
We’ve all been there when you’re having an amazing conversation with somebody on Tinder and you walk into the kitchen goin’, “hey, this chick is amazing. She’s a graduate chemistry major from Illinois, and…” and your roommate goes silent and just looks up at you. Apparently, they’ve been talking for the past week and have a date lined up for Wednesday night at the Crepery.
4. Learning About Your 14 year old Self
Tinder is hooked up through your Facebook account, and when you see somebody else’s profile there are “shared interests” which shows you everything that you and that person have both “liked” on Facebook — since forever (for – ever). So, when you both were 14 and Facebook liked “Pretending to Text When in Awkward Situations,” “Bubblegum,” and “The First Time I Had a McFlurry, I Tried Using The Spoon As a Straw,” that shows up. But thankfully those things only show up if you both liked them, so it’s not too embarrassing.
5. Horrible hook-up lines
In a bar setting, there are some pretty horrible pick-up lines used on people, but imagine if the person getting hit on had no potential drink to throw in the guy’s face! Because Tinder isn’t in person, guys feel like they can say whatever they want to get a girl (or guy). The result is pretty bad. One of my friends told me about this guy that apparently thought that in some alternate universe that “Hey I’m looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?” would work on her. It won’t. Probably nobody else for that matter.
6. Matching with an innanimate object
Yes, this is a thing. People set up profiles of Breakfast Burritos and then go onto Tinder. It can get quite hilarious.
7. Awkward First Meeting
Logically speaking, wouldn’t a first date go better if you already had repore with a person and knew a few things about them? But, put into real life, it is just extra awkward. You sit there thinking “How did I have so much to say over text, and then now, in person, I just go blank!?!?” Beyond the normal awkward dates, there is a whole additional category of Tinder meet-ups gone horribly wrong. Just to name a couple:
A. There was a girl that used all pictures of her friend in her Tinder profile, and proceeded to bait-and-switch my roommate when they met. And by my roommate, I mean me. She thought it would be a good way to prove a point that people focus too much on looks, and that you can fall for somebody based on personality if given the opportunity. She actually made a really good point — but, she didn’t like How I Met Your Mother, so that relationship went nowhere.
B. I really enjoy when I can talk about deep-seeded beliefs on a first date — really, I do. There’s a normal flow of conversation where people exchange equally strange ideas and it gets stranger and stranger; this is normal. But when I talk about listening to Jay-Z in the car ride over, and you give me a 35 minute monologue about the Illuminati and how we should all protest against Illuminati musicians, I thoroughly wish I had chosen to grab a short cup of coffee with you instead of putting all of my breadsticks in one basket, going to Olive Garden.
8. Wanting to Seem Interesting
I don’t understand why people think they need to seem more interesting than they actually are. You’re a person! You’re already interesting. People are so unique and different from each other, why try fitting a mold of what you think somebody else wants to see? I understand we’re in Utah, so there actually are a lot of adrenaline junkies and rock climbers, but chances are, if you use Tinder daily you’re probably not an adrenaline junkie — you’re probably a Netflix junkie, and that’s okay! No need to put up a picture of the one and only time you went rock climbing.
9. Swiping right constantly.
Sometimes you just want to see what karma brings you, and what type of people are into the type of person that you are instead of just limiting it to the type of people that you like as well. Don’t worry, you can unmatch if you get a crazy.
Thank you for reading this column! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send me an email at fairbanks_joshua@yahoo.com
