Ever have that person that shows up at your house all the time? What about that person that is annoyingly in love with you? That annoying person that follows you around all the time? What about the creepy axe-murder across the street? Here are some tips to get rid of your specific stalker.
#1 For the stalker always at your house
We’ve all seen a TV episode where two people are on a date and the guy acts totally disgusting on purpose in order to make the girl dump him. Of course the TV shows usually threw in an ironic twist where the girl liked being disgusting as well. But, what would actually happen in real life? Make your house as messy as possible. Whenever you eat, make sure you spill your food on them. Gross them out. Chances are, they will start to prefer other places to hangout.
#2 The stalker in love with you.
You ditch them. The meaner you can be, the better. Here’s a cruel idea that is sure to anger your stalker. Tell them that you are kidnapping them and taking them somewhere. Put a blindfold on them and then take them to first dam. Put them on the grass, tell them to wait there, and get the heck out of there! In today’s day and age it’s more of a rude gesture than anything else. They aren’t going to be really stranded since they have their cell phone. Unless you want to be really mean, take their phone and make them walk home. If don’t want to be that mean, you can drop them off a mile or two from their home.
#3 The stalker that follows you like a homeless puppy
Give them a taste of their own medicine. Stalk them, but be even more annoying than they are. Post to their Facebook page at least twenty times a day. Send them as many texts as possible, even when they’re right next to you. Find out their schedule and randomly pop up at the end of all their classes. You need to make sure that you are severely stalking the stalker. If it’s only moderate stalking, the stalker might think you are interested in them and won’t be annoyed by that. Also use words like “love”, “marriage”, and “babies” to freak them out.
#4 That stalker that thinks you don’t know they are stalking you
Public embarrassment. I would suggest it be done in the form of a poem. Read it out loud at Po-Bev. This is where you find out what your stalker hates and/or loves. Here is a sample:
Whenever I see _______ outside,
I have to run away and hide.
I can’t stand ________ and the way it hurts,
With _______, hatred and pain does it flirt.
______ makes trees and leaves wilt,
When loved, people are filled with guilt.
________, I cannot stand.
I’d rather go out and die.
Now, just put in your stalkers favorite thing in the blank. Maybe even her mom’s name.
#5 Crazy axe-murder stalker
Let’s be honest. You are dealing with a professional. You really have only two options. Move to Canada or get a restraining order. If you try to resolve this any other way, you will probably die. Granted, your friends will be sorry that they didn’t believe you in the first place. You knew all along they were a psycho killer. Doesn’t it feel good to be right?
